attempt #3

i’ve written 2 other drafts since the last entry…and i just can’t seem to get myself to post them…so incomplete…incoherent… such futile weightless useless combination of thoughts/words…

but i realize…how when i blog and look back at where i’ve been…God reminds me of His faithfulness towards me. ever since i’ve started working…my blogging days have come to a stand still…the last public entry was back in march… work started in february. and since then i’ve been so lost in myself and my own day to day worries…too busy being a narcisist that i haven’t taken the time to reflect and journal…

so regardless of how boring this entry is…

it’s really more for myself. (although secretly i wonder if anyone will stumble upon this blog..and should that person stumble on it…what would they think of me??)

me me me me me….

me me me me me….

me me me me me….

me me me me memememememmemememememememe……

me me me me me….

when all i do is look at me, talk about me, think about me…it looks like that. just an “m” followed by an “e” and then it loops around again….

boring…

unsatisfying…

bland…

confined…

when i look at me…i see nothing but flaws…and all i do is become preoccupied with them…and then all i do is spend more time just staring at these flaws…just looking down when the world is still around me…just clueless to my confinement…neglecting the bigger, greater, better …

i dont feel quite confident about this entry…but i am going to publish it for my soul’s sake.

i need to vocalize of this state of apathy. complancey. looking at me sucks when i look through my sinful eyes.

i want to see beauty. i want my heart to burst with joy. i want to shine with Gods love. i want to laugh till my lungs give out. i want to live for what God made me for. to have divine purpose in the day to day, even the most mundane things…i want to worship God and acknowledge ever little moment set before me…

help me God. i dont know where to start…

learning to take baby steps again…and should i fall…i know you will still be there.

thank you for your Truth. may i not taint it with my subjective ideologies…but may you refine and clean my lense. may i see through your eyes. that i would love others becanse i am loved by you ever so underservingly…

i can’t stand being full of me. being so full of it. this false hope junk crap. my heart is like a sewer. just filled with filth.

after trying to clean it on my own…i’ve come to the conclusion…that it is impossible…

I CAN’T.

so as a last resort…finally…

finally here….asking you to HELP ME

surrendered again…(at least for the next few seconds) so please wont you use those few seconds to pierce my heart. to break me and mold me…

 

 

honestly?

i’m afraid. what it this prayer doesn’t work. doesn’t fix me. doesn’t get me back into this state of awe and worship…

what if it doesn’t work like that…

what if even after this moment…nothing changes…and i am stuck w/ me… the way that i am…

(chills)….that’s scary…

 

 

 

 

sigh…

again

have u had a moment when your own words resonate within you…and you have to rethink about what you just said and wonder if you’re just quoting it from someplace you heard, and then begin to question if you had formulated an original thought/ series of words that was somewhat deep/profound?

most would probably be inclined to respond negatively to such a silly question. saying yes would make you arrogant in acknowledging your own thoughts as great or profound.

well i’ll come out and take that chance and admit, i’ve had those moments. plenty~! hah!

{ insert awkward transition here…or lack thereof }

so anyways..in the midst of replying to an email about how i was doing…my own words in resonated back…

i found the words…

i need to do some self evaluation and not just get carried away in day to day living.

it becomes so worthless and meaningless without remembrance and purpose.

at least to me that’s how it is

….resounding to the core of my being. echoing as i reread what i had just typed…i’m sure the idea isn’t original. but the words…the way it was said was said in a way to cater towards my apathetic heart…

these moments are moments that i can only give but credit to the One and Only God. who is able to give me the words to speak to even my OWN apathetic heart.

that’s power.

and all of a sudden i am at a loss for words as to how to strategically conclude this entry…but i guess honestly…i wonder…those words. how far will this moment of conviction carry me till the next fall or tumble.

prayer:

God…help me remember to do why i do what i do. remind me Lord the purpose and plan you have for me. to prosper me (not necessarily in a material/literal sense). remind me that in the midst of my doubt and dark moments that nothing can separate us from Your love. not angels nor demons nor any forces of evil…nor my sinfulness nor my doubts nor my apathy. remind me again how to worship you. to acknowledge you at all times and thus trusting you with all my heart, my hopes, desires, dreams. may they all come from you, be for you, to you, by you….be you.

i pray this not because its realistic. not because i think i can remind myself. not because of me. but because of you.

into your hands i recommit again. again and again till you take me home. amen.

today’s meanest quote of the day

adding on to the previous entry. these old ladies…man they hunger and feed for any gossip.

i’m not sure what i did wrong today. but they were gossiping in the back of the office (where i work)…and in the midst of all the whispering, all of a sudden out loud, i hear:  ”well she’s just a temp and as soon as he’s gone, she’ll be gone.” so i’m thinking…they must be talking about me, since i’m the only one with temp standing in this office.

why would you say that? does that make them feel better? i don’t get it. and then i hear one of the ladies  say, “you can fire me, but as long as i’m here…i’m not going to kiss anyone’s ***”

………..(sigh)

so i brought in brownies today. my friend baked them and i took the leftovers. we thought that the ladies in the office would like them. i was totally shut down with the exceptions of one of the interns. ouch.

being nice doesn’t cut it. i really wanna be nice and work as hard as i can. why does that make me so detestable to them?

can someone explain this to me?

 

cuz i’m lost………

call me jaded…

i am convinced that there are some people who really want you to screw up.

for no legitimate reason.

stinks when you get in their way, so you try to stay out of it. stinks when that makes you do more work to consciously steer clear.

current gchat status: “i seemed to have misplaced/lost my joy somewhere. has anyone seen it? if found please let me know. i miss it dearly.”

stinks when you let people get to you like this…

 

wish i didn’t have a heart that cared. and to just unleashed the wrath-filled monster inside of me. spewing out words of profanity and condencension to put them back in their place. to stop being so mean to everyone without reason and if they dont know how to be nice than just to stop talking!

i guess this place is the only place where i can release this horrible feeling bottling up inside. i dont want to become bitter and mean like them. i dont want to let them influence me like this. 

(sigh)

…where’s the reset button on this feeble heart?

did you know….

i learned something today (disclaimer: random fact. nothing useful. its just one of those…random things that not all people know so when you tell them about it they think you’re a know-it-all, so i guess it could be useful in a social context….but anyhoo….):

upon conversing with an IT nerd,

i posed the question: “wonder how they constructed the keyboard, like the randomness placement of the letters. hmm another useless thing to ponder about….”

IT nerd replies: well back in the day they used typewriters and they designed the keyboard so you would type slower so the hammers on the typewriter wouldn’t hit each other and jam…and that’s how it happened.”

i had to make sure: http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/bltypewriter.htm

really?

even though i can’t see it or feel it…especially right now…

the TRUTH is: He’s still doing a good work in me…

 

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

 

…

 

…sounds crazy…

egg shells

that’s what i feel like i’m walking on all day…

the existence of these shells are obviously all in my imagination. so if i just really really tried not to care about anything…

then maybe those egg shells would cease to exist and this nauseating pain in the pit of my stomach would also cease to exist. 

if only i had that control. to just make it all stop. to make it all go away…

to replace these insecurities and fears with confidence and peace…

i can’t. Can You?

today’s random reminder of Truth

for some reason, i found myself singing/humming…the words…

hope…is …

hope is ….na na na…on nothing less….but…but Jesus na..na …righteousness…

my hope is built…on Jesus Christ’s? righteousness…

where did this hymn come from?

random. but i’m glad that my hope is indeed built on nothing less than His righteousness.

 

Actual lyrics:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

 

Amen.

“You”

On the way back from my frigid walk from lunch I was listening to Switchfoot’s “You.” and it was just one of those times where you hear more than just the tune or the beat, but the lyrics just stuck out. i had to replay the song to just listen to the whole thing again…

so reminder this moment in time, this condition, the state of being, this day, this life…is not about me. but all about You. Thanks God for the reminder. sometimes i grudgingly try to accept that.

Worship in me can happen, cuz of You. Thank you for enabling it in a sinner, a failure such as i. To you. All to thee.

There’s always something
In the way
There’s always something
Getting through
But it’s not me
it’s You

Sometime’s ignorance
Rings true
But hope is not in
What I know
Not in me
It’s in You

It’s all I know

And I find peace
When I’m confused
I find hope when
I’m let down
Not in me
But in You

I hope to lose myself
For good
I hope to find it in the end
Not in me
It’s You
It’s all I know

small utterance

God,
i feel like a failure. oh wait. i am.

*sigh*

today’s quick prayer

Lord,
open my eyes to see in light and truth.
search me O God, and know my thoughts…and see how much i don’t have the ability to love thee. to seek after thee. to see thee.

into your hands, i recommit my life again.

by Your Son’s complete work on the cross, i pray..

Amen.

victory

Grace > Wrath

one desire

Lord,
may i know that this life is not about my glory, but only Yours.

all

He is indeed the source of all things. Without Him we are less than nothing.

All things can “be” because of Him.

Thank you Lord for being my all in all.

word for today: “sovereignty”

this is a challenging word to swallow at the moment: sov…er..eign…ty…

if ONLY i had…if ONLY i didn’t…BAH HUM BUG…! (sigh)

storytime: today i had a great morning. spending time w/ the Lord and feeling really pumped to walk w/ Him. after my devotional i was sharing this excitement with joe and at which one point during our conversation, there was that beeping on the other line. to which i consciously chose to ignore, and didn’t even look at who was calling. i rarely do that. it’s “ironic” <–[no such thing as real irony aka all His sovereignty] that i didn’t pick up that ONE phone call. it’s even more “ironic” that when i got another call waiting signal, i happened to pick it up, to which it was just a church member who needed a ride. so i just easily dismissed that it must have been the same person who called earlier. i remeber distinctly asking him…”did you just call me earlier?” to which his confused response of : “uh…maybe??” gah! anyways…so i resumed my conversation w/ joe. it wasn’t until the conclusion of our blessing conversation, that i decided to check my missed call. it was my temp agency! they had a long term assignment for me! (GASP!) so i called her back. to hear but a sad response: “i’m sorry we already filled that position. it was for a non-for-profit organization for one month.” tragedy. my heart sank. (sigh) it was also “ironic” because i called my mom before i called them back (which i rarely do, because i’m not usually this considerate towards my own family) to ask if it was okay for me to take on another temp assignment which started this monday, knowing-well that they desperately needed me to start working full-time at the cleaners starting tuesday for a duration of 2-3 weeks. mom’s response was: “yes of course. if  it’s an assigment that you want to take on, that should come before the cleaners. we’ll figure something out. don’t worry.” such support. such blessing. it was a GREEN light to GO GO GO! and yet “ironically”….i was met with a red light. one hour. the position had been filled. one hour. my fate had changed. where i could have escaped my fate of working full time at the cleaners, the opportunity had slipped through my conscious decision of neglecting a phone call, which i rarely ever do. i would usually at least check to see who’s calling, but for SOME reason…i didn’t. whY?! wAH!

and all that i can think about at this unsettled, semi-disappointed moment is…God is sovereign. how does that work? i have no idea. perhaps i was able to even think this because He had enabled me to walk with Him this morning… but then again…if i wasn’t so over zealous to share and talk about God with joe, maybe our conversation wouldn’t have been as long, and thus i could have been able to return the call before my position had been filled….

none the less….

He is…. He is sovereign.

it’s rather unusual, because when we think of acknowledging God’s sovereignty, we think it’s characterized by a sense of peace and warm fuzzy feeling. but here i am. to prove that for a fact…acknowledging God’s sovereignty is not necessarily felt with those emotions.

(sigh) i can’t help but to think that God really does want me to serve my parents joyfully during the next few weeks, cuz i know i’ve been quite bitter and rather down about having to do so. why is it that this disappointment is what it takes for me to realize this?

choice #1: i can serve them joyfully knowing that God is sovereign and that even without this temp assignment He still has something in store for me.

alternate choice #2: i can still serve my parents grudgingly and wait for God to do something else and deny His sovereignty in this moment/situation/circumstance. can’t help but think…crap…if i go with the first alternative that really means that God is going to make me stick to serving my parents just because i had this thought process.

WRONG. it’s funny. sometimes i (i’m sure others do this as well) can’t help but think God works to make my life harder, so by imagining certain things…things i fear, He might actually execute my fears to just make my life more difficult.

 

=T (shaking head)

God. you are God. i am not. i must admit, i really wanted to work on this temp assignment, but nonetheless, just cuz this assignment was passed up doesn’t mean that i missed out on something that  you had in store for me and no longer have an alternate plan for me. i know the truth is that you do indeed have a plan for me. a plan to propser me and a plan to give me a hope and a future. so knowing your sovereignty…i know that this was all a part of your plan as well. and if it wasn’t for this instance, i may not have been able to have had these thoughts and these “blessings in disguise.”

I look to you Sovereign One. Thank you.