i’m ok…

sometimes…we just feel like we should be doing okay. people ask “how are you?” and we say “i’m okay”. and somewhere along the way….we tell even ourselves…this is how i’m doing.

okay.

i realize

how

unreal and fake

okay

is…

what the heck does okay mean anyways? why do we have such a hard time being able to say that we’re not? where does all this pressure of being okay come from?

doing okay sucks.

it doesn’t mean anything.

i don’t know how i’m doing and instead of being honest to you and me…i choose to say… i’m okay.

how un-gospel centered. how selfish. how dumb. how futile…

i feel so upset by this realization because i feel like i’ve been the inflicter/victim of my own “okays”

i dont want to be okay.

i want more.

i want to think about how i’m doing and be honest and real about it. i don’t want my soul to die and drown in this sea of okays. just cruising mindlessly, purposelessly….

more.

Lord…more please.

He answers. gives it freely…

yet why do i choose this?

wake me up from this life of monotony and depravity…

Amen.

Yes.

God replies to my utterances (i.e. my previous post). i say…God, why am i so disappointed? why do i feel inadequated and insufficient? why do i feel so small? why do i feel so dumb? why why why?

and then the lingering thought “where is my hope?” the hope that had wandered off and forgotten about His Word. His Promise….   Even though I don’t deserve a reason or a response…He answers….

He answers through today’s “Utmost for His Highest:”

“Do you have even the slightest reliance on anything or anyone other than God? Is there a remnant of reliance left on any natural quality within you, or on any particular set of circumstances? Are you relying on yourself in any manner whatsoever regarding this new proposal or plan which God has placed before you? Will you examine yourself by asking these probing questions? It really is true to say, “I cannot live a holy life,” but you can decide to let Jesus Christ make you holy. “You cannot serve the Lord…” but you can place yourself in the proper position where God’s almighty power will flow through you. Is your relationship with God sufficient for you to expect Him to exhibit His wonderful life in you?”

These questions seem to hit home…rattles my brain. God, how did you know?!

(2nd part of “Utmost of His Highest) ” The people said to Joshua, ‘No, but we will serve the LORD!” This is not an impulsive action, but a deliberate commitment. We tend to say, “But God could never have called me to this. I’m too unworthy. It can’t mean me.” It does mean you, and the more weak and feeble you are, the better. The person who is still relying and trusting in anything within himself is the last person to even come close to saying, “I will serve the Lord.” We say, “Oh, if  only I really could believe!” The question is, “Will I believe?” No wonder Jesus Christ placed such an emphasis on the sin of unbelief. “He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief.” If we really believed that God meant what He said, just imagine what we would be like! Do I really dare to let God be to me all that He says He will be?”

i am speechless in amazement. every thought and question i had from the previous post has been answered….

Now Grace, do you dare to believe?

Yes.

…

so after the past 3 days of feeling really dumb…making dumb misktakes after another…or at least so i’ve been told (indirectly)

i have officially concluded…that this theory is now a fact.

all this time i thought maybe others were just being harsh…but after this episode…i will now accept fault for all the other previous conflicts…

i thought twice about doing something…then i just brushed it off and just went about the rest of my business, until the bossman calls asking if i did what i thought about doing…to which i answered. no. just when i thought that the rest of today was going to look better and that i was slowly getting back on track, winning back his approval/favor (and that’s BARELY)…i failed again.

so in all this….today. i am dumb.

the end.

no that’s not the end. so how do i resolve this discrepancy? between what i feel and the Truth? it’s been a daily battle. literally…the past 3 days….every inching moment has been a battle to remember…

In Christ, i am found to be without flaw. By His blood we are found innocent. We are heirs in His kingdom. I am a child of God. I am loved by the Creator of this vast UNIVERSE. His approval is more than enough, is all that i need….

sigh….

God. i want to cry. i feel like i’m trying to fight every thought and emotion….but i’m still drowning….feel like Satan is dragging in down and pushing my head below the water…telling me to just curse God and die. is this a losing battle? doubt of “His continuous santifying work in me” creep in and gnaw away at my soul…

today as my horrible day began…just minutes into my day…i thought. today needs to just die. i just need today to go away and leave me alone. during my lunch scramble…i saw a sign at the corner of my eye that said… Today is a BIG blessing…

hmm…ironic? maybe i just need to die to myself today….i duno what that means right now…

Lord, i want to stop complaining and just to walk with you My Lord. to go forth into this workplace with joy. i want to look good and smart and “on top of things” for you. or maybe that’s just my agenda…

i feel dumb, God. but … i’m not, right? am i hoping in looking smart, credible, respectable, reliable? is that why i feel so disappointed? because  i feel like i’m not? is that why? because my hope is off somewhere doing its own thing??

it’s not about me, is it?

back to square 1….

today’s prayer

God has a plan. an awesome amazing one. one that i could never even fathom or imagine with my finite mental capactiy…

yet why do i forget? forget that God’s love in my life will be more than i will ever need.

Lord remind me. Show me.

In Jesus’ name. Amen

its scary how much i can forget, yet how easily He gently reminds me. thank you God! :)

i’ve spent (more like wasted) the past few days just moping around in absolute self centered misery.

i don’t know why i’ve been feeling like that lately but i thought…oooh, this one is going to last for awhile. i must be entering depression…

ironically…the thing that changed my whole mentality was last night.

i come home tired and just blah. blah blah blah. my mom comes and she’s super blah. like i’m-in-a-really-bad-mood blah and i distinctly remember…not wanting to just stay outta her way and leave her be. instead i found myself putting together dinner for the two of us and just think of simple gestures to encourage and make her happy. and it worked! she said the salad was so delicious and then she just shared about her day. i shared about my recent state of downess…and it was in that moment that we both remembered that God loves us and there is nothing to fear or be anxious of, nothing else that mattered more than being loved by Him. to just love and live in this freeing Truth. we spent the rest of the night watching csi and criminal mind like we usually do…but last night… God changed my heart. what a miracle (at least to me).

i shared w/ joe briefly this morning…and what he said still lingers in my head/heart…he pretty much said…all it took for you to get out of this funk was serving. all it took for me to stop looking at me was to serve and love someone else…simple yet profound. simply profound.

i spent the rest of the night listening to the audio book for “crazy love”. it was so encouraging. the creator of the universe…loves me unconditionally.

thank you God for moving in my heart ever so gently yet powerfully.

i am blessed.

at·ro·phy

my room reflects the state of my heart. a landfill-of-a-mess that i’m avoiding to address. avoiding to clean. it’s been like this for weeks probably now months….

you wonder how someone could be so lazy to just keep letting things stay this messy, whether in the matters of the room or heart.

like i dont want to do it…therefore i have somehow trick myself into thinking that it’s not there and now i’m just cruising on ignorance, disregard for faithful stewardship.

i feel like a failure.

addressing my room/heart would mean coming to face even more of that…

i fear failing even more…

God,

i dont want to clean anything. my disgusting catatrosphic messy heart is spilling so blatantly even into the physical state of my surroundings (i.e. this room)…

why so restless within me? find your hope in God grace…

i dont know what the heck i’m doing. all i see is what i’m not doing right…wasting away. squandering everything

i feel frustrated.

probable coping mechanism: drowning myself with/in noise, busyness, distractions…? thus leading to more self-pity and self-inflicted desparity. pathetic

i feel like the israelites who asked for freedom from bondage and yet when they get it…they were so…lost. but if there’s still hope for them…then maybe there is hope for i?

O.O!

i’ve been writing down names of people to pray for on this mini little white board i have in my office cube. and yesterday i accidentally smudged a name on there so i pulled out the pen and rewrote it in.  then just randomly thought of a girl that i met way back in my junior high youth group days. she was a fob. we got into a lot of trouble together and we got away with most of them. anyways we had lost touch. and yesterday i wrote her name down. felt so random for doing it.

today i checked my email and i got a facebook friend request from a julia… who’s julia?? i don’t know a julia? i opened up my email and in the message it  said: ” OMG!!!!!!!!! GRACE CHANG!!! IT’S ME eunsong. HOW HAVE U BEEN? ADD ME! N LET’S KIT.”

i felt stunned. there is noooooo way that was just “coincidence.” i had to double check and look at my white board to make sure i had actually written it on there yesterday. ok good. i’m not hallucinating..

God…you are weird and crazy. probably not the most appraisal worthy choice of words…but today i am reminded again that you are not a God bound by time. you are the All knowing. Alpha and Omega. that you bless the tiniest seed of faithfulness to grow and flourish for your glory. Lord, i want to be more faithful in prayer. thank you Lord. i feel unworthy to be blessed and reminded once again how awesome you are. so unworthy. such undeserving…grace. Lord please continue to teach me how to prayer for others, which i still lack so much!

love

Lord, we know that you are a God of love. that you are love.

teach me Lord to become  more like you so that in being loved by you, you will manifest the genuine love in my heart to love you and your people freely and selflessly.

we thank for you your Word that speaks to our hearts:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

-1 corinthians 13

today’s prayer

i find myself at a lack of words. what to say to begin these feeble utterances of prayer.

hello? hi there. hi God…

i feel so undeserving to ask you for anything. even to ask you to love me…

“what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?” -Psalm 8:4

i want to frantically run around in my head looking for ways to polish myself and look presentable in these rags i’m in….

before the King of kings…Lord of lords…how could i just come?

Luke 10: ³⁹She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” ⁴¹“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴²but only one thing is needed.^[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

is it really that easy Lord? to just come and sit at your feet? mind boggling…

teach me again and again to be still and worship you

in faith,

mary

blah

that is how i feel in this current moment…

today’s morning train ride…

i saw a father w/ his son on the train ride this morning. how can i be sure it was a father and son?

there’s such a distinct trait, don’t know what it is, but it’s different from brothers, friends, uncle/nephews, etc…

the boy was so tiny. i’d say he was about 3. he didn’t talk. barely stood on his own two feet. there was something about the father that reminded me of the heart of God. he wasn’t holding onto his son firmly. he was trying to teach his son how to balance. he told him to hold onto the pole, took the boy’s hand as he was saying it and placed it there. the boy’s hand stayed on the pole but you could see this look on the boy’s face: “why is my hand on this cold piece of metal?” he wasn’t trying to cling onto it. he didn’t realize that it could help him stand during the stop and go force at each stop. i thought how God tries to teach us the same. how he doesn’t just prop us up and carry us through the train ride, rather He teaches us how to hold on. to grow up. i felt like at times i am like that child,  asking one question after another: why do i have to do this? why can’t you just carry me, it’d be so much easier? what’s the point of this?

could you imagine a full grown adult needing their parents to hold onto them to keep from falling? or even worse…just tumbling around the floors of a dirty train, not knowing how to stand in place. thank you Jesus.

WebMD told me so…

the power of information on the web. i had a revelation today on WebMD.

so we’ve heard that diet drinks are really bad for you. people have been telling me that  if you drink more than 3 cans of pop a day your chances of kidney failure drastically increases…

and for some reason…i didn’t care. BUT after today…i’m going to wean myself from diet coke. i have two huge cases in my frig…which i will have to drink lots of water with…(they said if you drink diet soda to make sure to drink an equal amount of water to compensate for it).

going forward, i’m going to be a new woman.

thanks to WedMd: http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20050613/drink-more-diet-soda-gain-more-weight

it pretty much says that diet drinks and weight gain are positively correlated. it also said that caffiene deyhdrates and slows down our metabolism.

weight gain?! slows down metabolism?! i guess those are the words to really scare a girl to kick a bad habit.

DONE.

UPDATE (3/29/10): i only had one can saturday, and zero yesterday. i’m very proud of myself. i’ve resorted to drinking a dunkachino this morning (monday) to appease this mild irritation in my head,  caffiene withdrawal.

as for the two cases of diet coke…i will feed it to the wolves, my small group. we all have a shared loved for it. is it bad if i’m trying to get them to drink it cuz i’m trying to get rid of it? hmm…

i’m trying to drink lotsa of water. shooting for more than 8 cups. my pee is very clear. (insert proud smile) but my bladder is unfortunately very small. so i am constantly running to the ladies room. i remember having to run out in the middle of “How to Train your Dragon” after holding it in for half an hour hoping it would soon end. it’s a good thing i went, because the movie didn’t end for another 50 minutes. phew~

drinking water actually helps me to be more conscious of how i eat. trying to eat frequently and healthier. we shall see how long this lasts for, but it’s better than not trying.

to the person i could not help today

i am sorry. i could not give you the help you wanted. it wasn’t easy to say no.

my heart goes out to you. i promise that i will be praying for God’s peace to rule your heart during such a trialing time.

Lord, please help her…can’t imagine what she must be going through. show her your unfailing love when all else seems to be a lie. i don’t know how else to pray for her. may she find you.

today’s forecast: moody

as much as i would like to blame it on the weather…and still would like to consider it as the factor of my cloudy heart today….the pastor gave a beautiful illustration which rebuked and still rebukes me to think the otherwise…

illustration: imagine a water bottle. it’s looks pretty clean on the top but then when you look at the bottom there’s all this muck and dirt that’s settled at the bottom of it. then imagine that this water bottle falls on the ground is and shaken up…and then someone comes by and accidentally steps on it. the bottle cap pops off and all the water and dirt inside the bottle comes spewing out of the bottle. question then posed is: is the filth that is released from the bottle due to the external pressure?

hmm. the obvious answer? well…the filth is from what was already in the bottle before anything happened…

he then transitioned into preaching about grumbling.

Lord, i feel like my heart is grumbling much today. i feel so unthankful. but we thank you also for the Truth that was preached, the Gospel. that you loved us in while we were yet sinner. that even though we had all this junk inside of us, you don’t leave us be to our sinful, self-centered, dumb selves. thank you for showing our grossness so that we may see the grace in our lives sanctifying us and changing us from all the unrighteousness that is just oozing out of our pores.

my heart feel so blah today. and instead of blaming it on the fact that winter is back or blaming it on the fact that maybe that time is rolling around… i would like to make a small attempt and fight my heart rather than just sit back and sulk and blame it on reasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7….. [insert infinity sign]. continue to reveal my weaknesses so that i may see your perfect work in me. <–do i really really truly mean this? i’m not sure. i feel more hesitation and fear when i ask/pray those words… Lord, may i fear you and nothing else.

alright enough stalling and loitering…gotta go read the Word. not so that i can feel better, or feel holier or better about myself…but because i need the reminder that he paid it all. that he loves us. that it’s about Him and not me. Prayer: that i would really desire to be  in His courts than a thousand else where. show me Hope. Christ has risen. Lord, help me to live victoriously and fearlessly as i should.

love,

grace

p.s. my heart is still sooooo hardened. why am i so annoyed! Lord, i’m so ugly. inside/out. so much need for grace…

Cry of My Heart by Starfield

There’s a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to
fill up my senses
There’s a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things
that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I’ve been here before
But I know there’s still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don’t have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head