so after the past 3 days of feeling really dumb…making dumb misktakes after another…or at least so i’ve been told (indirectly)
i have officially concluded…that this theory is now a fact.
all this time i thought maybe others were just being harsh…but after this episode…i will now accept fault for all the other previous conflicts…
i thought twice about doing something…then i just brushed it off and just went about the rest of my business, until the bossman calls asking if i did what i thought about doing…to which i answered. no. just when i thought that the rest of today was going to look better and that i was slowly getting back on track, winning back his approval/favor (and that’s BARELY)…i failed again.
so in all this….today. i am dumb.
the end.
no that’s not the end. so how do i resolve this discrepancy? between what i feel and the Truth? it’s been a daily battle. literally…the past 3 days….every inching moment has been a battle to remember…
In Christ, i am found to be without flaw. By His blood we are found innocent. We are heirs in His kingdom. I am a child of God. I am loved by the Creator of this vast UNIVERSE. His approval is more than enough, is all that i need….
sigh….
God. i want to cry. i feel like i’m trying to fight every thought and emotion….but i’m still drowning….feel like Satan is dragging in down and pushing my head below the water…telling me to just curse God and die. is this a losing battle? doubt of “His continuous santifying work in me” creep in and gnaw away at my soul…
today as my horrible day began…just minutes into my day…i thought. today needs to just die. i just need today to go away and leave me alone. during my lunch scramble…i saw a sign at the corner of my eye that said… Today is a BIG blessing…
hmm…ironic? maybe i just need to die to myself today….i duno what that means right now… 
Lord, i want to stop complaining and just to walk with you My Lord. to go forth into this workplace with joy. i want to look good and smart and “on top of things” for you. or maybe that’s just my agenda…
i feel dumb, God. but … i’m not, right? am i hoping in looking smart, credible, respectable, reliable? is that why i feel so disappointed? because i feel like i’m not? is that why? because my hope is off somewhere doing its own thing??
it’s not about me, is it?
back to square 1….
