i’m ok…

sometimes…we just feel like we should be doing okay. people ask “how are you?” and we say “i’m okay”. and somewhere along the way….we tell even ourselves…this is how i’m doing.

okay.

i realize

how

unreal and fake

okay

is…

what the heck does okay mean anyways? why do we have such a hard time being able to say that we’re not? where does all this pressure of being okay come from?

doing okay sucks.

it doesn’t mean anything.

i don’t know how i’m doing and instead of being honest to you and me…i choose to say… i’m okay.

how un-gospel centered. how selfish. how dumb. how futile…

i feel so upset by this realization because i feel like i’ve been the inflicter/victim of my own “okays”

i dont want to be okay.

i want more.

i want to think about how i’m doing and be honest and real about it. i don’t want my soul to die and drown in this sea of okays. just cruising mindlessly, purposelessly….

more.

Lord…more please.

He answers. gives it freely…

yet why do i choose this?

wake me up from this life of monotony and depravity…

Amen.

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Yes.

God replies to my utterances (i.e. my previous post). i say…God, why am i so disappointed? why do i feel inadequated and insufficient? why do i feel so small? why do i feel so dumb? why why why?

and then the lingering thought “where is my hope?” the hope that had wandered off and forgotten about His Word. His Promise….   Even though I don’t deserve a reason or a response…He answers….

He answers through today’s “Utmost for His Highest:”

“Do you have even the slightest reliance on anything or anyone other than God? Is there a remnant of reliance left on any natural quality within you, or on any particular set of circumstances? Are you relying on yourself in any manner whatsoever regarding this new proposal or plan which God has placed before you? Will you examine yourself by asking these probing questions? It really is true to say, “I cannot live a holy life,” but you can decide to let Jesus Christ make you holy. “You cannot serve the Lord…” but you can place yourself in the proper position where God’s almighty power will flow through you. Is your relationship with God sufficient for you to expect Him to exhibit His wonderful life in you?”

These questions seem to hit home…rattles my brain. God, how did you know?!

(2nd part of “Utmost of His Highest) ” The people said to Joshua, ‘No, but we will serve the LORD!” This is not an impulsive action, but a deliberate commitment. We tend to say, “But God could never have called me to this. I’m too unworthy. It can’t mean me.” It does mean you, and the more weak and feeble you are, the better. The person who is still relying and trusting in anything within himself is the last person to even come close to saying, “I will serve the Lord.” We say, “Oh, if  only I really could believe!” The question is, “Will I believe?” No wonder Jesus Christ placed such an emphasis on the sin of unbelief. “He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief.” If we really believed that God meant what He said, just imagine what we would be like! Do I really dare to let God be to me all that He says He will be?”

i am speechless in amazement. every thought and question i had from the previous post has been answered….

Now Grace, do you dare to believe?

Yes.

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so after the past 3 days of feeling really dumb…making dumb misktakes after another…or at least so i’ve been told (indirectly)

i have officially concluded…that this theory is now a fact.

all this time i thought maybe others were just being harsh…but after this episode…i will now accept fault for all the other previous conflicts…

i thought twice about doing something…then i just brushed it off and just went about the rest of my business, until the bossman calls asking if i did what i thought about doing…to which i answered. no. just when i thought that the rest of today was going to look better and that i was slowly getting back on track, winning back his approval/favor (and that’s BARELY)…i failed again.

so in all this….today. i am dumb.

the end.

no that’s not the end. so how do i resolve this discrepancy? between what i feel and the Truth? it’s been a daily battle. literally…the past 3 days….every inching moment has been a battle to remember…

In Christ, i am found to be without flaw. By His blood we are found innocent. We are heirs in His kingdom. I am a child of God. I am loved by the Creator of this vast UNIVERSE. His approval is more than enough, is all that i need….

sigh….

God. i want to cry. i feel like i’m trying to fight every thought and emotion….but i’m still drowning….feel like Satan is dragging in down and pushing my head below the water…telling me to just curse God and die. is this a losing battle? doubt of “His continuous santifying work in me” creep in and gnaw away at my soul…

today as my horrible day began…just minutes into my day…i thought. today needs to just die. i just need today to go away and leave me alone. during my lunch scramble…i saw a sign at the corner of my eye that said… Today is a BIG blessing…

hmm…ironic? maybe i just need to die to myself today….i duno what that means right now… 😦

Lord, i want to stop complaining and just to walk with you My Lord. to go forth into this workplace with joy. i want to look good and smart and “on top of things” for you. or maybe that’s just my agenda…

i feel dumb, God. but … i’m not, right? am i hoping in looking smart, credible, respectable, reliable? is that why i feel so disappointed? because  i feel like i’m not? is that why? because my hope is off somewhere doing its own thing??

it’s not about me, is it?

back to square 1….

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today’s prayer

God has a plan. an awesome amazing one. one that i could never even fathom or imagine with my finite mental capactiy…

yet why do i forget? forget that God’s love in my life will be more than i will ever need.

Lord remind me. Show me.

In Jesus’ name. Amen

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its scary how much i can forget, yet how easily He gently reminds me. thank you God! :)

i’ve spent (more like wasted) the past few days just moping around in absolute self centered misery.

i don’t know why i’ve been feeling like that lately but i thought…oooh, this one is going to last for awhile. i must be entering depression…

ironically…the thing that changed my whole mentality was last night.

i come home tired and just blah. blah blah blah. my mom comes and she’s super blah. like i’m-in-a-really-bad-mood blah and i distinctly remember…not wanting to just stay outta her way and leave her be. instead i found myself putting together dinner for the two of us and just think of simple gestures to encourage and make her happy. and it worked! she said the salad was so delicious and then she just shared about her day. i shared about my recent state of downess…and it was in that moment that we both remembered that God loves us and there is nothing to fear or be anxious of, nothing else that mattered more than being loved by Him. to just love and live in this freeing Truth. we spent the rest of the night watching csi and criminal mind like we usually do…but last night… God changed my heart. what a miracle (at least to me).

i shared w/ joe briefly this morning…and what he said still lingers in my head/heart…he pretty much said…all it took for you to get out of this funk was serving. all it took for me to stop looking at me was to serve and love someone else…simple yet profound. simply profound.

i spent the rest of the night listening to the audio book for “crazy love”. it was so encouraging. the creator of the universe…loves me unconditionally.

thank you God for moving in my heart ever so gently yet powerfully.

i am blessed.

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at·ro·phy

my room reflects the state of my heart. a landfill-of-a-mess that i’m avoiding to address. avoiding to clean. it’s been like this for weeks probably now months….

you wonder how someone could be so lazy to just keep letting things stay this messy, whether in the matters of the room or heart.

like i dont want to do it…therefore i have somehow trick myself into thinking that it’s not there and now i’m just cruising on ignorance, disregard for faithful stewardship.

i feel like a failure.

addressing my room/heart would mean coming to face even more of that…

i fear failing even more…

God,

i dont want to clean anything. my disgusting catatrosphic messy heart is spilling so blatantly even into the physical state of my surroundings (i.e. this room)…

why so restless within me? find your hope in God grace…

i dont know what the heck i’m doing. all i see is what i’m not doing right…wasting away. squandering everything

i feel frustrated.

probable coping mechanism: drowning myself with/in noise, busyness, distractions…? thus leading to more self-pity and self-inflicted desparity. pathetic

i feel like the israelites who asked for freedom from bondage and yet when they get it…they were so…lost. but if there’s still hope for them…then maybe there is hope for i?

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O.O!

i’ve been writing down names of people to pray for on this mini little white board i have in my office cube. and yesterday i accidentally smudged a name on there so i pulled out the pen and rewrote it in.  then just randomly thought of a girl that i met way back in my junior high youth group days. she was a fob. we got into a lot of trouble together and we got away with most of them. anyways we had lost touch. and yesterday i wrote her name down. felt so random for doing it.

today i checked my email and i got a facebook friend request from a julia… who’s julia?? i don’t know a julia? i opened up my email and in the message it  said: ” OMG!!!!!!!!! GRACE CHANG!!! IT’S ME eunsong. HOW HAVE U BEEN? ADD ME! N LET’S KIT.”

i felt stunned. there is noooooo way that was just “coincidence.” i had to double check and look at my white board to make sure i had actually written it on there yesterday. ok good. i’m not hallucinating..

God…you are weird and crazy. probably not the most appraisal worthy choice of words…but today i am reminded again that you are not a God bound by time. you are the All knowing. Alpha and Omega. that you bless the tiniest seed of faithfulness to grow and flourish for your glory. Lord, i want to be more faithful in prayer. thank you Lord. i feel unworthy to be blessed and reminded once again how awesome you are. so unworthy. such undeserving…grace. Lord please continue to teach me how to prayer for others, which i still lack so much!

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